Golden Arrow Bus Services, you suck.

I have been taking the Golden Arrow bus for many years.  And I am sick and fucking tired.  

Where to start.

I think the one thing that has caused me to realize what a shitty company Golden Arrow bus services really is, was the introduction of our own MyCiti bus service.

I have been on a MyCiti bus about, say 30 times.  And every single experience was positive.  From the attitude of the people who work at the major terminals, to the conductors on the buses, the drivers, the condition of the buses, the very way they are operated and driven, the fact that not one of the buses I have ever used was late, not to mention the cost, sharply contrasts against the hot mess that Golden Arrow bus services is.

Let me speak of some examples:

1) Ticket prices

Albeit that GABS has simply more resources, a farther reach, and is a for-profit company, although heavily subsidized by government, it is simply, in the long run, cheaper to use MyCiti buses.  For example.  A weekly ticket (10 rides) on GABS to my area will cost me R97.00.  Now, if I take MyCiti, the same 10 rides will cost me R69.  And that includes trunks and transfers, in a bus that is clean, safe and according to my own experience, always on time.

2) Ticket expiry

This is where GABS bullshits you.  Without a doubt.  A weekly ticket has 10 rides.  It is valid for two weeks.  WHY?   Why is it not simply valid for 10 rides?  I'll tell you why.  I ride the GABS every day.  Every single day, I see people trying to use the bus with a ticket that expired the day before.  With multiple rides left on the ticket.  It is my contention that unredeemed, expired rides is a huge profit centre for Golden Arrow Bus Services.  Listen, I understand that fuel prices go up.  But they do not go up every two weeks.  So, ya well, no fine, put a 3 month expiry on all tickets.  What's your excuse?

3) Security 

Security?  You mean people in uniforms that ensure that criminals and petty pickpockets do not steal your cellphone from your pocket whilst you are trying to board the bus?  Don't make me laugh.  Women being harassed by street sellers who will physically intimidate them until they buy something?  How hard can it be to fence off the large terminuses, like the one at Grand Parade, and give access only to valid ticket holders?  Simply set up a booth where people can buy a once-off cash ticket if they do not have a weekly or monthly ticket.  Done.

4) Safety

I can't even believe I am using this word in relation to gabs.  I come from a transport background, as a young man I operated a very large truck company.  I know how a vehicle sounds when the brakes are worn down to the metal.  I know when I smell a clutch burning.  I can see the coolant or oil leaking from the bottom of the vehicle.  And for fuck sakes, I KNOW when a driver can't drive for shit.  Swerving across highways, pushing other vehicles out of lanes, speeding, dead braking for no reason and the ever annoying and nauseating foot-on-gas-foot-off-gas in half second intervals, all the way home.

5) Driver training

If I were to tell you the amount of times passengers have to show a driver the route (often times a route driven by a driver before) you would think I am shitting you.  Golden Arrow, have you never heard of GPS?  With routes mapped on them?

The excuse that drivers tout is that they do not get shown the routes.  If they want training, they have to come in on their own time to be trained.  Really?  Golden arrow, what shit are you smoking?  Where have you ever heard of staff having to be trained in their private time?  No.  You train your drivers ON THE JOB.  If you are too damn cheap to supply the technology that is available, you train a driver on the routes every single time, on company time, before he has to drive the route.  Simple.  And why are arrival and departure times not consistent.  On any given date, the buses will arrive late or if not late, will leave before the designated time, and when one complains, you are told that your watch is wrong.  Well my cellphone clock is synced automatically with the Atomic clock at the world time server.  It's called technology.

That does not even touch the fact that many of the GABS drivers simply cannot drive safely.  Do you remember the little incident where a driver, inside the main Grand Parade terminus, reversed, went onto the pavement where passengers were waiting to embark, and then knocked over a man, and continued to reverse right over his head, killing an innocent man waiting to go home on a Friday afternoon after a long week of work.  A regular bloke like me.

And I sincerely hope that the driver did not get blamed here.  The real problem is that a driver who was insufficiently trained, got his ass put in the driver seat.  Done.  No excuses.  Golden Arrow management cost a man his life.

Add to that the numerous complaints you find on Hellopeter, Facebook and all over the internet.  Just Google it for yourself.

6) Company culture

Can you say rude?  As in fucking rude?  Now they even have "Don't talk to the driver" stickers.  Rude, blunt and standoffish officials at the terminals.  Rude drivers.  Drivers who get rude when they make mistakes.  I don't even want to go on.  The people in this company need a serious attitude adjustment.

Oh and don't dare ask for a replacement bus after the bus you are waiting for is an hour late.  You will be told that "There are no resources (drivers) at the yard."  Never mind that there are about 5 drivers standing around smoking, having parked their buses for the night.  Probably an overtime payment issue, if the drivers I have spoken to are to be believed.

7) Poor (no, really shitty) planning

How many times should an inspector get onto a bus, count the amount of passengers, and yet, the same amount of buses get sent, or in some cases get reduced.  Does "Certified to carry 35 seated and 10 standing passenger" not mean anything?  Is that not a legal restriction? So how come, on those very same buses, are there often over 70 people squeezed in?  Consistently, day after day?  Are you really that out of touch?  Government won't allow you to provision more buses?  Good on them.  Now get out of the way.

 8) Cleanliness

Cockroaches, cockroaches, cockroaches.  I wonder why MyCiti does not have this issue?  Oh, perhaps it is because they are not FEEDING the cockroaches, due to them not allowing fucking stinking FOOD on their buses. Piss and shit everywhere.  Criminals.  Beggars, Pickpockets and scammers.  Mentally ill street preachers. Non passengers being allowed by drivers to preach Jesus at me on the RIGHT ON THE BUS, which I paid for! Are you off your bat?  GOLDEN ARROW is making money from this, so I believe they can foot the bill for keeping it clean and safe.  It does not suffice to say that it is municipal property. Just dig in your pockets a bit.

9) Somebody is having their palms greased too, methinks

How else do you explain these:

What does that look like?  An airport shuttle, right?  I have it from the mouth of a Golden Arrow mechanic that these buses are rated to run safely at 60 kilometers per hour.  Yet, I have paced several of these buses exceeding 120km per hour on the N1.  Know what happens when they exceed 60?  They swerve.  Been there, felt that. Don't believe me, go take one on the N1.  You will kiss the ground when you get out.  Guaranteed.  Yup, the guy who signed off on these got some back pocket love, otherwise the decision is inexplicable.  Boggles the mind.

Never mind the fact that they carry even less passengers, have almost no seating, and the bane of my existence, have no leg space for tall guys (seems they were built for short people only), and have an aircon with no windows that has two settings:  Off or Frozen Solid.  As in people bring rolls of tape to stick over the vents.  Even on the older buses, leg space is an issue.  Hey Geniuses, take out the front row of seats and move the other seats forward a few centimeters each. Problem solved.


So in the end, I think there is only one real solution.  It is time to shut down this "1968 mentality" company down.  Revoke their contract with government completely,  fire the management and all the staff and give MyCiti the routes.

And for the love of all that is good, MyCiti, do not employ their drivers before extensive psychometric testing has been conducted, and they have been trained to drive properly, and trained how to interact with their passengers in a civil and professional manner.  And for fucks sake, please don't let GABS mechanics work on MyCiti buses, as they hear they already do.

The problem with GABS is endemic, and I think, unsolvable.  It is a top down company culture issue that is not going to be fixed.  Hopefully government has realized this, I hope and hence the MyCiti plan.  Power to them and down with GABS.  We have had enough, and the only thing that is keeping them alive, I think is an attitude of complacency and apathy amongst passengers who have been browbeaten into using this service because very little else is available. Oh and GABS, quit trying to legally preventing the City from replacing your crappy service.  We, the commuters are rubbing our hands in glee and anticipation.  We can't wait until MyCiti takes it all over.  And this time we won't even mind that our taxes are used to subsidize it.  At least we will get decent service in return.

This city simply deserves better than Golden Arrow Bus services, full stop.

Stalked: Sage - No wisdom here

Now if you want to really get me moerig, open a business. Spend money doing it. Do what so many worthy folks dream of doing and never get the opportunity to. Then go and f... it up with a "kannie worrie" attitude.

I often walk down Hatfield Road, Gardens, Cape Town. There is this little eatery called Sage Organic Café, colocated with a yoga studio and something called "Inspirit therapies," which gave me a mental image of a bunch of old hobos sitting in a circle, telling each other how many days ago they last sucked methylated through a loaf of government brown.

And behold, the South African Cricketer's association. I do recall some of them being into herbs a while ago...

I do hope this place's name refers to the herb and not the adjective. "Sage: a mentor in spiritual and philosophical topics who is renowned for profound wisdom." Not.

This is not a big place. There is not a huge distance between the road and the counter. Explain to me, then, why their triangle blackboard is lying flat, half on the pavement, half in the road (on a windless day) and people are actually trodding on it? I read the (flattened) sign.

Yummy Buffet. Live Fresh Juices. Organic Coffee. Health Wraps.

OK, let's give them a chance. Impromptu stalking.

I go in and have a look around. It is an attempt at homey-made-ness. It's fugly. Frankly reminds me of the shoddy "second-hand-put-it-together-yourself-from-your-trash-and-some-hemp-string" kind of thing you find at "holistic fayres." Not ideal as an eating place. Shebeens on township tours have more "let's eat here" charm.

Ok, so I get the organic coffee. I expect all kinds of special earthy undertones and feelgood vibes. It's coffee. So I'm probably not getting in so many sulphites and bad karma as I would from drinking non-organic, forced labour picked, shop bought coffee. So what. I live in the city and just breathing the air negates all the good in that, anyway. And let's get real about any good karma I am building up.

The "Yummy Buffet" looks abhorrent. I do not know whether wearing a lot of hemp and owning a worm compost bin makes you go blind, but I was always taught that you eat with your eyes first.

They have two kinds of wraps. Both of them seem to be wholewheat. I take the one that looks less curry-ish, since I do not want to unfairly compare it to the curry place where I was the other day. They are expensive for the amount of food you are getting.

I am convinced this is not actually wholewheat wraps, but simply cardboard, rolled. Only, the stuff in the middle is wet and soggy and mixed with PVA paint of an indescribable colour (and taste).

I did not even want to venture as the "live fresh juices" because that seemed kind of creepy, even to a semi-rehabilitated carnivore like myself. I prefer my juices well dead, thanks.

So, for future reference, let me translate:

Yummy: Looks like death in a bainmarie. Slightly warm, due to an advanced stage of very natural decomposition.

Organic: The regular shit, but at least it looks good on your spiritual CV. Hare Hare, Yogi.

Live Fresh Juices: The oranges were just peeled. Scientific breakthrough. Yay.

Health Wrap: Healthy for the planet, that is, due to the active recycling of cardboard in it's various forms.

My sage advice? Actively avoid. Oh, and kick over the sign as you walk by. Hundred Karma points right there.

Viva la Caffeine

Just to let you understand that I am not just a cheapskate. This morning, for the first time ever, I went to a little coffee shop, called Vida e Caffé. Now, anything franchised usually accrues my scorn in ample measure.

I just feel that there is something "inauthentic" about a franchise, as though the buyer of a franchised business is not a real businessman, because he is unwilling to take the risk of trying something new and making it work. To me it is lacking in passion.

Ok, enough of that. So I went to this place. Firstly, no prices, so I thought: "Ripoff Central."

Very friendly "Ola, welcome" when I walked in. I looked at the selection and gave up. I asked for a good coffee. The guys behind the counter immediately went, "Mocha, twenty rand, that's good coffee". Really friendly, confident and they did not hesitate. Kudos, dudes.

The service was FAST. They are trained to the hilt, even if it is just in making coffee and being nice guys. When the guy gave me the coffee, he told me that there was a lot of syrup in it, so I would not need sugar. If he had not told me that, this little stalking will have turned out very differently.

The shop itself is quite trendy, with some nice Latin music pumping, very vibey and urban. I can see the laptop and iphone crowd hanging here.

Taking a sip, I can easily say it was one of the best coffee experiences I have had in this town. I know, I know, it's not real coffee, it's some mocha thing, but I don't have a sweet tooth, I have a whole mouthful. Given that, it is still very balanced, not overpoweringly sweet or "chocolatey".

Evidently they also have a nice newsletter that goes out and a good loyalty program (thanks Kelley...)

Add to that the free Lindt 70% chocolate sample they gave me (On it's own probably worth R5), and I do not know how a take away coffee can get any better.

So, paying R20 for a cup of coffee is not too much, if the whole experience is worth it. Go there anyday.

Stalked: Curryness is next to Godliness.

Well. I am pleasantly stuffed. I found this "tunnel" running through a building in Darling Street. I must admit I was lured there by food smells unlike I was expecting to find there.

Woefully prepared to be disappointed by another potato-dash-bone-tastic-malay curry shoppy, I was shocked to see a place that seemed to be a bit more.

Before you ask, the place does not seem to have a name, the closest I could get is "Eastern Food Bazaar" which was printed on the tillslip.

Stuffed and buzzing with people of all walks, some enticing smells were pouring out of a Tandoor oven, with a choice of whatever you can just about imagine in mainline Indian and other eastern cuisine, being prepared in sparkling kitchens arrayed along the main wall.

I instantaneously knew that I was, once again, screwed. No way I could afford all that I would want to try. I was wrong. Not one dish was over R30.

Add some nice indian smoothies and custards. (I have never tried those but soon will.)

Ok, down to the eating. First, you decide what you want, which, I admit, was the most frustrating bit for me. I am trying to shake a few kilos, you see. So I ordered a Mince Dosa at R20.

It is a freshly prepared huge dosa with chicken mince by a real indian bloke and comes accompanied by the traditional Indian "chutneys." Don't ask me the names. One is yellowish, one is green (coriander) and one is red. Beautiful. The Dosa was folded and cut into four pieces. All served in a custom made container / plates. Grab a coke with that, since I am, after all, a Connosieur.

A plastic fork, knife, spoon and serviette and find a seat amongst the humanity.

The food was perfect. The people were loud. The decor is just right for a place like that. It is very clean. Go there anyday with R30 in your pocket and you will leave with a smile on your face. Now that is the kind of thing that we need to see more of in this town.

(Oh, and I did get a taste of the Dal Makhni as well, right from a very friendly chef. Now I must tell you, if you want to know the quality of any Indian restaurant or eatery, you just get the Dal Makhni. If they don't have it, leave. If you try it, and it does not make you see visions of an Indian Venus on a warm day, leave, because the rest of their food will be shit. Guaranteed.)

You can stick your sandwich, sunshine ....

Yeah. Evidently we are now officially in a state of recession. Although I sincerely doubt it. Here's why.

If you grew up in the same era as I did, you will remember a TV show called "The Waltons" about a family during the American recession. The phrase "Goodnight, Johnboy..." may remind you. That's my picture of a recession, at least as it affects normal people.

Well I just don't see that kind of street level reality here.

Some days I go to to the Gardens Shopping centre for lunch, especially when I feel like a piece of Pick and Pay's famous grease chicken and a Porra roll.

Now, what gets me is the rest of this lovely little centre, that seems to exist in a time - space continuum completely isolated from the rest of the universe.

For instance, there is this deli spot that sells ready-made rolls etc with a bit of cheese and cold meat on it. I do not remember the exact price, but it was befukt. Seriously. Then going further on my little tour, I end up at the Woolies Foodstore. R29 for a sandwich. Am I a lone island of " voetsek, jou skelm" in a sea of mini millionaires? It's a sandwich. Two slices of bread with some shit inbetween.

Sorry, did I miss the freshly shaved Truffle and liberal coating of real Saffron?

The most interesting thing is that I have seen quite a few places picking up on this trend. The place called Bread, Milk and Honey on Darling that sells a (quite) regular (and unspectacular) cup of take away coffee for R15 and a roll for anything between R20 and R30.

And the franchised "Fresh Stop" next door (a Fruit and Veg City mindfart) who sells, also, some very bland-tasting sandwiches (guys, I know salt is bad for you, but really,) for anything between R19 to R29. Again! Say after me, slowly now, "It's just a sandwich."

Now I know these people are all business to make money. But have they lost a fundamental idea of right and wrong? Of value in kind versus ripping people off?

I have baked bread, having worked in a bakery as a young man. I know what bread and every ingredient you put on that sandwich costs, and then I'm not even buying bulk. Can you say 400% profit? And it is not as though you are giving me a whole lot of service and ambience either. I expect to pay higher prices if I go to a larnie restaurant like Beluga. Or any place with a Pirelli Chef. Well enough. But paying those prices at a franchise?

But even worse are the rank idiots willing to pay these prices. I hope you recession-choke. And ask the guy behind the counter if he kisses his mother with that mouth.