Stalked: Sage - No wisdom here

Now if you want to really get me moerig, open a business. Spend money doing it. Do what so many worthy folks dream of doing and never get the opportunity to. Then go and f... it up with a "kannie worrie" attitude.

I often walk down Hatfield Road, Gardens, Cape Town. There is this little eatery called Sage Organic Café, colocated with a yoga studio and something called "Inspirit therapies," which gave me a mental image of a bunch of old hobos sitting in a circle, telling each other how many days ago they last sucked methylated through a loaf of government brown.

And behold, the South African Cricketer's association. I do recall some of them being into herbs a while ago...

I do hope this place's name refers to the herb and not the adjective. "Sage: a mentor in spiritual and philosophical topics who is renowned for profound wisdom." Not.

This is not a big place. There is not a huge distance between the road and the counter. Explain to me, then, why their triangle blackboard is lying flat, half on the pavement, half in the road (on a windless day) and people are actually trodding on it? I read the (flattened) sign.

Yummy Buffet. Live Fresh Juices. Organic Coffee. Health Wraps.

OK, let's give them a chance. Impromptu stalking.

I go in and have a look around. It is an attempt at homey-made-ness. It's fugly. Frankly reminds me of the shoddy "second-hand-put-it-together-yourself-from-your-trash-and-some-hemp-string" kind of thing you find at "holistic fayres." Not ideal as an eating place. Shebeens on township tours have more "let's eat here" charm.

Ok, so I get the organic coffee. I expect all kinds of special earthy undertones and feelgood vibes. It's coffee. So I'm probably not getting in so many sulphites and bad karma as I would from drinking non-organic, forced labour picked, shop bought coffee. So what. I live in the city and just breathing the air negates all the good in that, anyway. And let's get real about any good karma I am building up.

The "Yummy Buffet" looks abhorrent. I do not know whether wearing a lot of hemp and owning a worm compost bin makes you go blind, but I was always taught that you eat with your eyes first.

They have two kinds of wraps. Both of them seem to be wholewheat. I take the one that looks less curry-ish, since I do not want to unfairly compare it to the curry place where I was the other day. They are expensive for the amount of food you are getting.

I am convinced this is not actually wholewheat wraps, but simply cardboard, rolled. Only, the stuff in the middle is wet and soggy and mixed with PVA paint of an indescribable colour (and taste).

I did not even want to venture as the "live fresh juices" because that seemed kind of creepy, even to a semi-rehabilitated carnivore like myself. I prefer my juices well dead, thanks.

So, for future reference, let me translate:

Yummy: Looks like death in a bainmarie. Slightly warm, due to an advanced stage of very natural decomposition.

Organic: The regular shit, but at least it looks good on your spiritual CV. Hare Hare, Yogi.

Live Fresh Juices: The oranges were just peeled. Scientific breakthrough. Yay.

Health Wrap: Healthy for the planet, that is, due to the active recycling of cardboard in it's various forms.

My sage advice? Actively avoid. Oh, and kick over the sign as you walk by. Hundred Karma points right there.

Viva la Caffeine

Just to let you understand that I am not just a cheapskate. This morning, for the first time ever, I went to a little coffee shop, called Vida e Caffé. Now, anything franchised usually accrues my scorn in ample measure.

I just feel that there is something "inauthentic" about a franchise, as though the buyer of a franchised business is not a real businessman, because he is unwilling to take the risk of trying something new and making it work. To me it is lacking in passion.

Ok, enough of that. So I went to this place. Firstly, no prices, so I thought: "Ripoff Central."

Very friendly "Ola, welcome" when I walked in. I looked at the selection and gave up. I asked for a good coffee. The guys behind the counter immediately went, "Mocha, twenty rand, that's good coffee". Really friendly, confident and they did not hesitate. Kudos, dudes.

The service was FAST. They are trained to the hilt, even if it is just in making coffee and being nice guys. When the guy gave me the coffee, he told me that there was a lot of syrup in it, so I would not need sugar. If he had not told me that, this little stalking will have turned out very differently.

The shop itself is quite trendy, with some nice Latin music pumping, very vibey and urban. I can see the laptop and iphone crowd hanging here.

Taking a sip, I can easily say it was one of the best coffee experiences I have had in this town. I know, I know, it's not real coffee, it's some mocha thing, but I don't have a sweet tooth, I have a whole mouthful. Given that, it is still very balanced, not overpoweringly sweet or "chocolatey".

Evidently they also have a nice newsletter that goes out and a good loyalty program (thanks Kelley...)

Add to that the free Lindt 70% chocolate sample they gave me (On it's own probably worth R5), and I do not know how a take away coffee can get any better.

So, paying R20 for a cup of coffee is not too much, if the whole experience is worth it. Go there anyday.